Chaos and Order, Good and Evil asked:


I know, it's long and I am sorry I can't shorten it but could you read the entirety before answering while keeping in mind the questions at the beginning. Thank you.

Questions to keep in mind while answering and to answer:
1. How I can reestablish a friendship that I used to consider really close?
2. Why did I used to act in the way I did when I was around my friend with other kids, could it just have been the whole teasing of an extremely close boy/girl friendship way back when or maybe was I just selfish in wanting her to be my friend secretly to me anyways?
3. Why did I never bother calling her up in high school to hang out or anything, could it have had to do with the death of my mother and the effects that had on me or something else?
4. Did I or do I love or like her a ton more then a normal best friend in your opinion, I don't know, I don't think I do or did, but, I am not entirely sure?

First of all, I am an 18 year old boy and I want to know, how I can reestablish a friendship that I used to consider really close? By the way, I don't believe I am looking for anything more then a good, lasting friendship with her in case you were wondering although I am not 100% sure on that although it is what I believe.

Okay, I had a friend that I met when I was in preschool who was a girl. We used to play a lot together and just have fun. In kindergarten however, we ended up going to different schools but since our parents got to know each other (well she only had a mom and I had both my parents alive), we got to hang out with each other a lot anyways.

Throughout grade school, we hung out a lot, I remember we used to go to each other's houses, out to eat with our families, we used to have lots of fun playing Mario Kart 64 on the Nintendo 64, in fact that was the favorite, we use to go to the zoo, and just talk to each other a lot about our lives and music and other things. We celebrated lots of holidays together as well and just enjoyed being around each other. One time, me and my sister slept over at her house as well and the reverse has been true also. We even went to camp together. In fact, my parents used to leave her mother's phone number in case they couldn't be contacted for emergencies if I remember correctly.

Anyways, for some dumb reason, when it came to sharing that I was great friends with her to my friends, I wouldn't do it and kind of just pretended not to know her well. Why was I like this, it was as if I wanted her to be my friend without anyone knowing about it, like a secret or something? I really don't get why I did that at all, I just wanted her to remain my friend secretly, any ideas why?

Anyways, in sixth grade, I transferred schools again, my mother ended up getting ill with a brain tumor and cancer later on that year and my mother died while I was in seventh grade. I used to visit my mom in the hospital almost everyday and my relations with all of my friends seemed to become more distant. I kept up with my school work though since it was such an important year although I did start to become more of a procrastinator during that year and throughout all of high school. Anyways, my dad decided to hold a party/memorial at the place we lived at and we invited lots of different people including much of my class. On one of the floors of the apartment building, there was a party room with ping-pong, pool, and just lots of space, an exercise room, a basketball court, a racketball court amongst other neat rooms. The event made me feel a lot better and my friend ended up staying afterwards and helped me to feel better about it as well by talking to me.

In eighth grade, we saw each other sometimes, not very often though at Bar and Bat Mitzvahs (it's a Jewish ceremony for young adults). Anyways, for some reason, I went back to pretending she wasn't a great friend of mine while amongst lots of other kids. I don't why I did that but it was the same thing I used to do. I even did that amongst my closer group of best friends (like a group of 6 people or so that I used to be great friends with while in grade school).

In high school, we again went to different schools, both, very tough in respect. I never saw her again after that until a few years later after I came to the school for a small competition. For some reason though, when she said hi to me and started to talk to me again, I again went into the mode of wanting to be friends with her more alone rather then in public with other people around so it was a brief talk between us.

In my senior year of high school, I saw her once again at a bookstore. She was with another boy and again, it was only a brief encounter. After her phone number, I called her up but I think I sounded a little awkward on the phone telling her that I wanted to see her again and since she was busy anyways, we never did see each other again.
She is now in college and I am in my gap year between high school and college, just trying to get my life in order and to learn things about my life.

Again, I don't believe I am looking for anything more then a good, lasting friendship with her.

So, how do I reestablish contact with her?